Happy birthday, new life!

May 14th, 2009. My sisters and I had booked a Walt Disney World vacations for early June. On that day after work, excited about my upcoming trip, I went shopping for summer clothes to wear over there: t-shirts, cute sleeveless tops, shorts and skirts. I headed over to Place Alexis-Nihon, a mall right next to where I work, and went to Zellers and Reitmans, the only two stores there where you can find plus-sizes clothes. Limited choice, but it’s affordable.

I went to Zellers first and bought a couple pieces without trying them on; I knew for a fact that I was a size 24 and that I could just grab a XXXL top and it would fit me. Then, I went to Reitmans and walked to the back of the store where they have their plus-size stuff. I picked a few items: a pair of Bermuda shorts, a sleeveless top, some tank-tops, and I went to a fitting room.

Before trying on the Reitmans picks, I dug into my Zellers bag to try on my first purchases. Top number 1: a beautiful magenta shirt. I put it on: it fit, but I could totally see my fat roll underneath the fabric. “Ok, not too terrible, I’ll just hold my stomach in.” Next, I tried on some beige Capri pants. As I thought, the 24’s fit me just fine, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from my calves. They looked so big… Anyway. I then proceeded to try on the Reitmans items. Jeans bermuda shorts, a sleeveless top, those XXXL cotton tank tops… Everything “fit”, but I couldn’t stop staring at all those “little things” that you hope nobody else sees… My arms looked so big… Those fat rolls that even the biggest size of clothing couldn’t hide anymore… My neck, or should I say lack-there-of; I just had a really big double-chin instead… And I looked at my face. Boy, did I look tired and unhappy.

I was wondering: is this the woman people see when they look at me? Do they see me as an obese, tired, unhappy woman? I didn’t even look my age; I looked at least 10 years older… And why did I look this way? Yes, I knew I ate a lot but could it really be that bad?

As I stared at myself in the mirror in the store, with tears rolling down my cheeks, I thought: “That’s it… I’ve had enough of this.”. I didn’t want to be this miserable anymore. I bought the clothes and headed home.

When I got home, I sat in front of my computer and Nathalie, my sister, was online. I opened up a chat session with her to tell her that I had just gotten back from the mall and that I had bought new things to wear in Florida for our trip. It sounded exciting, but really, it wasn’t. And I told her that I couldn’t live like this anymore, that I was unhappy, and that I had to change this situation. She was a good listener; she read my messages with interest and compassion, and she asked me what I was going to do. I didn’t know yet.

The following day was a Friday, and it was my usual grocery day. So I went to my grocery store and browsed through the aisles. I didn’t get my usual Haagen Dazs, I didn’t get my usual salt and vinegar chips, I didn’t get my usual Oreos. I got fruits and vegetables and whole wheat bread and whole wheat pasta and nuts. I read the nutrition facts for everything I was putting my cart. When I wasn’t sure about an item, I would just not get it. I went back to the basic: I just had to eat better.

I thought that I would be doing this until my trip to Walt Disney World so I could at least feel a little better about myself while I was over there. When I got there with my sisters, I didn’t stop: I didn’t have all the “bad” food I thought I was going to have. When I was not hungry anymore, I would stop eating instead of emptying my plates. We did have one big dinner at Planet Hollywood; I felt so full afterwards that I told my sisters that I would never do that again. When I got back home, I kept going… I went back to the grocery store, got more fruits and vegetables and so on and so on…

July came. By that time, I had started to notice that my clothes seemed to fit a little better. Now, I didn’t have a scale so I couldn’t know for sure that I had lost weight, but I sure felt like I had. I decided to get a scale to see how the way I felt in my clothes reflected in numbers… And I was right. I had lost 20 pounds in two months.

I called my mom. I was ecstatic. I had lost 20 pounds, on my own, with no miracle diet or pill or weird hormone injection. I was doing it the “right” way and it was working! So I kept going. I kept watching my calorie intake. I would get low-fat, low-sugar, low-calorie options. The pounds were just melting away.

I was moving a little more too. I would take the steps whenever I could and I would walk to the subway station to get to work instead of taking the bus there. It wasn’t much but it was a big improvement.

On a hot August evening, I was bored at home. I looked outside the window and thought: “It’s such a gorgeous evening… I should go for a walk.” And I did! That was the very first time I had decided to get up and move just because “I felt like it”. From that day on, walking has been a very important part of my life. Whenever I need to get somewhere within a reasonable distance, I walk instead of getting on the bus or taking the subway.

Over time, I’ve added more exercise to my life. I bought a Pilates DVD in November, along with a mat and some free-weights. My parents spoiled me for Christmas and got me a Wii Fit Plus that I’ve quickly added to my routine. I even started jogging back in March, and although I do not run as often as I would like to, all because of Montreal’s super amazing weather, I really love it and I have an immense feeling of satisfaction whenever I think of how better my cardio has gotten.

My diet has changed too. Instead of purely focusing on calories and the amount of fat, carbohydrates and protein in my food, I simply go for whole foods, as unprocessed as possible. Of course, I do treat myself every now and then for special occasion, like for the Holidays (where I bought a bag of chips and actually made a promise to my boyfriend that it would be the last time in my life that I would have chips) or for my birthday, when Sean and I had a glorious feast of Indian cuisine and Deep ‘N Delicious cake. High class stuff, I know…! Except for those special occasions, for the most part, my diet is now mostly plant-based.

With this new life, I’ve found myself a new passion for food, nutrition and well-being. I’ve always loved food, but I have a new perspective on it. I’m always on the lookout for new healthful options I could integrate into my diet. I read books by authors like Michael Pollan. I listen to Podcasts by people like Compasionate Cooks creator Colleen Patrick-Boudreau. I visit websites like VeggieBoards.com and FatFreeVegan.com on a daily basis. I give myself little cooking challenges, like how can I take this recipe I used to love and turn it into something I could love and crave now.

It’s been a year now. My life has completely changed. I feel like my appearance finally reflects who I am on the inside. I have gained confidence, knowledge and faith. I believe in myself. I even feel sexy for the very first time in my life! (Swimsuit season, here I come!).

I keep saying that it wasn’t tough, that I did it on my own. Yes, I did do it on my own, but it wouldn’t have been possible without all the support I’ve gotten. I’d especially like to give my most sincere thanks to the following people:

-          À mon père, Fabien. Mon père est un homme fort et aimant, dévoué au bien-être de sa famille. Il est le premier à dire que ce n’est pas facile de perdre du poids et qu’il a perdu 800 livres dans sa vie! Je pense qu’il est très fier de ce que j’ai accompli et je le remercie pour sa générosité et ses mots d’encouragement. Je t’aime papa! xxx

-          À ma mère, Marjo. Ma mère a souvent pris le temps de me parler pour me dire que je devrais me prendre en main. Elle le faisait avec beaucoup de délicatesse, car elle savait que c’était un sujet tabou pour moi et que je ne voulais pas en entendre parler. Même si je ne voulais pas l’avouer à l’époque, ses mots m’affectaient beaucoup et aujourd’hui, je suis fière de lui dire que je l’ai fait. Ta fille a regagné sa santé, maman! J Je t’aime!

-          À mes sœurs, Nathalie et Isabelle. Les filles, vous êtes les amours de ma vie. Vous le savez en plus; j’ai juste à regarder un de vos vidéos pour me redonner le sourire. Maintenant que j’aime mon apparence et que je n’ai pas honte d’être prise en photo, à quand notre prochain trip à Walt Disney World? J 

-          To my boyfriend, Sean. We started dating when I was already down 50lbs and a changed woman, but your love and attraction to me boosted my self-confidence like nothing else. I’m glad you’re in my life. You are such a big motivator. Thank you for your kindness, your support, but mostly, for putting up with my self-questioning and mood swings :P Ilu.

-          To my buddy Kris. K-guy, you are such a good friend. Thank you for the help throughout this journey. Our friendship is a precious gift.

-          À mes collègues de travail. Vous avez vu ma transformation au quotidien plus que quiconque. Anne-Marie, je suis vraiment contente de pouvoir te compter parmi mes amis. Tu m’en fais voir de toutes les couleurs et dans le fond, j’aime ça! Un merci tout spécial à Katherine, qui partage si gentiment ses fruits avec moi le matin et qui prend le temps d’inscrire les informations nutritionnelles sur les biscuits qu’elle amène. :P

-          To everybody on FatSecret.com. You cannot imagine how many messages I’ve gotten from people who want to lose weight, telling me that I’m an inspiration for them and congratulating me. Honestly, if I can help one person realize how “easy” this is, my work is done. By getting those messages almost on a daily basis, you guys are MY inspiration and you keep me going.

-          To all my Facebook friends. I’m kinda sorry for all the spam about weight loss and nutrition and food you have gotten this past year! :P But most of all, thank you for all the sweet comments I’ve gotten on all the progression pictures I’ve posted. <3 Franchement, un gros merci pour les commentaires! Particulièrement à mes vieux amis et à ma famille; vous me faites chaud au cœur.

There you have it. I thought I was going to last for a couple of weeks only, and here I am, one year later. I am 125 pounds lighter. I am healthier. I am happier.

Happy birthday, new life! It’s good to have you!